Deep Thoughts of a Troubled American

How to speak "Womanese"

2006-06-11T19:14:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. Women are wonderful. Without them, the world would be left with a bunch of stubborn men who hate taking baths. But why are they so hard to understand? Some have said that men and women are from two different planets. Sometimes I think that might be true. One of the most difficult things about women is understanding what they mean when they speak, since, after all, what they say is not what they actually mean.

This sort of thing happens to men all the time. I remember once when my wife asked me what my favorite flavor of ice cream was, she actually meant that she wanted chocolate bunny tracks ice cream. Another time she asked me to take her car out to get gas, but she really wanted me to go out and buy her a dress about which she had casually commented two months earlier! And let's not forget the classic "Does this ______ (any article of clothing) look good on me?" All men should learn right away that this question has nothing to do with how well the colors match or how fashionable the clothes are. What women mean by this question is, "Do you think this ______ (article of clothing) looks fat on me?"

Someone needs to start some sort of special school that teaches men how to interpret "Womanese." Someone could even write a dictionary or encyclopedia to reference commonly used phrases for Womanese. But until these tools are available, what are we men to do? History has shown us that women are never going to learn how to speak directly, therefore as men we must come up with our own methods to understand them. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Never give a woman a direct answer to her questions. Always give an answer that is as unclear and vague as possible. This is especially true of those hidden "fat questions." If your answer is vague, at least they won't be able to accuse you of making any absolute statements. Moreover, this allows you to fish out what they are actually trying to say. As they continue to re-explain their answer, you will eventally be able to decipher their code language until you understand what they are really trying to say. Questions like "I'm sorry, I didn't quite follow you. Could you rephrase that question?" are very useful for this purpose.

2. Try to think like them. For example, when you begin thinking about how to solve a problem, try to think of the most complicated way of reaching a solution. This is the first step to entering the mental world of women. By learning to think like them, you will be more sensitive to the true meaning of their statements and questions. Keep in mind that this will be excruciatingly difficult for a man at first. You may want to start out only in small increments of time, or you may suffer a mental breakdown.

3. The most important suggestion I can make is to never ever get tricked into believing that you are the one who is not thinking or reasoning clearly. Before you even begin a discussion with a woman, make sure to remind yourself that women cannot help being unclear and confusing about what they are trying to say. You must remember this, because eventually a woman will say to you "you are not listening to me" or "you haven't heard a word I've been saying." When women make these false accusations, they will try to make you think that you are the one being unclear and unreasonable, but as a man you must stand your ground. Remember that they don't even understand themselves, so how could they be able to make a judgement about whether or not you understand them?

Keep your heads up, men, and don't be discouraged. Women are wonderful. We need them, but don't let their handicap get you down. If you follow these three suggestions, you will be better able to understand other women and keep your sanity at the same time.

Good luck.

msacras

Al Gore's World Wide Web: Who Would Have Thought?

2006-06-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Category: Satire/Sarcasm

Let's talk about the world wide web--the "internet super highway" as those "in the know" might call it. Why does it have to be so confoundedly complicated? Who are these people who keep telling me that I'm the one millionth visitor, and why in the world would I get a prize for such a silly thing? I didn't enter some "one millionth visitor" contest, so just leave me alone. That's an invasion of privacy . . . or something like that. Just give me my three feet of American frontier. I don't need a trip to Hawaii, or an Xbox 360. Just let me check my Hotmail and leave me be for Dubya's sake!

I am also baffled by the number of strange emails I keep receiving. Recently I received notification about the dangers of walking back to my car in a parking lot. Who are these people who keep spraying toxic perfume? I think it's high time that we put an end to these criminal masterminds so that we can all sleep better at night . . . plus my email inbox is getting too full. I bet I've already reached the 3% mark on my 3,000 gigabit (is that how you spell that word?) account--and that's only after 5 years worth of email!

Oh, and why does Bill Gates want to pay me $255 for every email I send? As an American man of common sense, I have a feeling that this might be a hoax.

I signed up for broadband internet some months ago. Now that is the definition of speed my friend. When I had America Online, it took me at least twenty minutes just to download my daily email, and then I spent another twenty minutes configuring my email filter for all the new spam. Now with broadband, I can download all my email and delete my spam 50 times faster! I hated to leave AOL though. I had been a customer with them for at least 12 years. They were always updating and improving their service; and always adding great new features.

What's more, their anti-virus and spamming programs were excellent features. I always felt safe when I used AOL, because it was always running from the time my computer came on to the time my computer shut off. And their customer service was none too shabby. I remember once when their software somehow messed up my harddrive (something about an invalid Win32 application?). I had to reinstall Windows ME 5 times before I could get it working again. It was a mess, believe me. AOL was kind enough to give me an entire free month -- they even sent me another AOL 9.0 (optimized) CD because I couldn't find my other one! I think it's easy to see why it was hard to part with AOL. We've been through a lot together.

Despite my grievances about complexity, the internet really does have a lot to offer. With historical contributions like Wikipedia, Google, and of course, My Space, the internet will always be a place I can turn to for useful features, and who would have thought that it's all thanks to Al Gore? Go figure.

No thanks, no Target card today

2006-06-10T12:28:00.000-07:00

Note to Reddit readers: This is satire/sarcasm. Please do not take this seriously.

Discover Card called me the other day. They wanted to know if I was interested in becoming a card holder with them again. I told them that if they could find a card that could beat the features of our current credit card, then I would consider it. Our current card gives us 2% cash back on purchases. This rate blows the Discover Card cash back rate out of the water. With a Discover Card I can get up to 1% cash back on all purchases. Let me express a resounding "woopdydo." Not only is their cash back percentage a full percentage point lower than my current card, but their cash back percentage is tiered. By tiered I mean that I have to spend $3000 before my purchases even earn 1%. Until that point, my purchases yield me only .25% and .50% respectively. Hmm, I wonder . . . do I want to go back to Discover?

Anyway, when I told the sales lady the benefits of my card, she seemed dumbfounded, yet she was courageous enough (or perhaps naive enough) to actually try to persuade me to become a customer. While praising her company's fraud protection, 0$ liability program, and other benefits, I simply kept repeating that my credit card company offered all those things as well. After she finally stopped for a breath, I asked her, "If my credit card has better features than Discover Card, why would I switch?" She responds, "Uhh, well I don't know."

Well lady, the choice seems pretty obvious to me. Do I want to get back $50 back per year or $350 back per year? Do I want to rent the Ford Focus, or get my rental upgraded to a Chrysler Sebring? Do I want to get the $6.99 meal at KFC, or do I want the $30.00 New York Strip? The thing is, this isn't the first time this sort of insanity has happened with businesses. I remember not long ago when I called in to cancel my Discover Card, I was on the phone for twenty minutes listening to a sales representative try to trick me into keeping my card. She would go on a long spiel and then, like a chipmunk on caffeine, she would say, "So let's go ahead and keep that account open, OK?" She probably hoped that I wasn't paying attention, and therefore would mindlessly respond "that's fine" just to get her to shut up. Too bad for her that it didn't work. As a highly educated American, I was too quick for her complex marketing approaches. That sort of psychological manipulation may work on Japanese or Chinese people, but not on the lightning fast mental capacity of an American.

So I simply ask, what is with these businesses? Don't they understand that no means no? Is there someone standing over them with a bazooka pointed to their heads forcing them to assault customers with questions? No, we don't want a credit card, no we don't want to super-size, no we don't want to upgrade our oil change service, no we don't want to by car rental insurance, and no we DON'T WANT A TARGET CARD!

I think a law should be passed that requires anybody who wants to make a "special" offer to ask permission before they open their mouths. "Would you be interested in --" The consumer steps in: "No, sorry you didn't ask permission. That is against the law." Multiple offenses could be reported to the local government. Too many offenses could result in company fines. Hey, there is sexual harassment, right? Well why not solicitous harassment?

Google Calendar: The Future of Convenience and Productivity

2006-06-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

I just came across this great new online tool created by those brilliant folks at Google. They've done it again with their sensational new Web 2.0 program Google Calendar. With this program, one can actually set appointments for any hour of any day of the year. There's even an "Agenda" view which allows users to see an overview of events that have been entered. Even more nifty is that fact that you can view other people's calendars if they send you an invite. I can't even fathom how useful this feature will be! And, hey, if one ever needs to simply find out how many days are in the month of June, there's always Google calendar to the rescue!

So for all of you who are still using those old pocket planners or desktop calendars, just say to yourself, "Out with the old and in with the new." Put your pen and paper away and sign up for Google calendar. Don't bother yourself with the hassles of actually writing and carrying a calendar around. Why do that when you can simply use the internet to log into your calendar from anywhere in the world?

There are some potential drawbacks to Google Calendar I suppose. If you go to any place in the world where there is no internet, well, you're screwed, but as long as you have a computer and an internet connection, you're all set. And don't worry about the fact that only 15% of the world has internet connectivity. With all the great features you get with Google calendar such as, well, their online calendar, the ability to view other calendars, and being able to know the days of the month, it's without question worth the compromise!

I'll never go back to the pen/paper way of calendars again. Wherever I go, so will Google Calendar, along with my briefcase, laptop, power adapter, and wireless card. Okay, so I might actually need a paper calendar--but only in situations of emergency when I don't have access to Google Calendar. So for backup, I guess I'd better copy everything down I put in Google Calendar in my pocket calendar as well--but with such convenient online features, I don't mind that!

msacras

I Want My Money Back

2006-06-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm listening to a song called "Let's Tango in Paris" by The Stranglers. It is one of those many songs throughout which a single phrase is repeated over and over again. (In this case, as geniuses might guess, the repeated phrase is "let's tango in Paris"). I'm not a song writer, so I can't speak with authority on the matter, but how do artists determine how many times to repeat a phrase in a song? Do they actually try out different numbers to see which number works best for the song? I'm not sure what the group members in The Strangers were thinking, but in the case of "Let's Tango in Paris," the phrase was repeated for approximately one minute until the end of the song. Now I'm all about emphasizing themes, but when it comes to songs that are only three minutes in length, and one-third of the song is the mindless repetition of the same phrase, I can't help but feel a little ripped off. I worked too hard and long to pay for this $0.10 song to only get 66% of a good song. What were the artists thinking? Did they think they could just chant some mantra for the last sixty seconds of a song without their listeners noticing? I think not. The American people are too smart for that. Americans are all about diversity, variety, and creativity. Just look at all the most popular artists today. They sing about many different important areas of life--such as love, loving another man, loving another man's wife, loving another women's husband, loving men who are drunks, or even loving women who they would die for. Now that is variety my friends.

Anyway, I really want my money back for this song. Perhaps I could get a refund for 33% of the song, so that I only pay $0.06 for the song instead of $0.10. I'm even willing to take a partial discount for the last minute of the song. After all, the music during this section is nice. Maybe I can pay for the music itself but get a refund for the repetitive lyrics. I think that's fair. Anyone else would do the same, I'm sure. If someone bought a copy of Time from a news stand, only to find that the last third of the magazine contained a repeated portrait of Bill Clinton, he would certainly feel ripped off. I would imagine he might even have nightmares after such a scary experience.

msacras